prove them wrong – The April Diaries

“Well no matter what major you choose it’s work.”

I heard this straight-up from an “advisor” in my first year of college. She indubitably despised me. And she said this with an absent-minded smile that underlined just how awful she was and how she didn’t understand my petulant anxiety disorder.

I don’t know where she got the impression that I don’t want to “do the work,” but I can tell you she was WRONG. 🙅🏼‍♀️

Tonight I also heard “people” judge the living 💩 out of Jennifer Coolidge and it made me angry 😤. Why? Person 1 was judging her acting in “White Lotus” AND HER WEIGHT! And person 2 called her a “thirty-year success story.”

Jennifer Coolidge was born in Boston, Massachusetts and went to Emerson College. While she was in college, she wanted to be a dramatic actress like Meryl Streep but instead became a comedic actress.

In 1999, Coolidge got her “big break” at Stifler’s Mom in American Pie. She then went on to play Paulette Bonafonte Parcelle in both Legally Blonde movies. In 2004, she played a supporting role as Fiona Montgomery alongside Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story. Despite negative critical claims, the movie became a box office hit.

And she recently won a Primetime Emmy Award for her role in White Lotus where she quite literally stole the show by dancing to the music despite her being out of time to accept her award, which is iconic on so many levels and just so her.

Personally, if anyone deserves an Emmy or even an Oscar, it’s her. She actually told Vanity Fair one time that she really wants to be on Broadway, but she never thought she could do it. And this was where I said to myself, “why the heck not?”

And I’m reminded of the time where I actually was sitting in a restaurant in Paris with my classmates in high school and one of my friends said to me, “you know, I used to see you in fashion but now I see you in Science and Business.” Oddly enough, I recently got accepted and I’m actually committing to my studies at an MBA program here in the states at the #1 public ivy in the US.

There was a point in my life where I thought I couldn’t do anything because of what people thought of me. And I’m reminded of a Kate Winslet quote when she accepted her [what is called the] “British Oscar,” She said “a drama teacher told me that I’d do well if I’d settle for the fat girl parts.” And then she’s like “look at me now!” And then she went on to say, “I didn’t listen.” And that’s essentially what I did, and what Jennifer Coolidge did too.

Just so you know, ignorance is not bliss. In fact it makes me and people like Coolidge only work harder.

MORE LIKE THIS: BLOG-MAS TUESDAY: We Should Have Listened To Sheryl Crow Years Ago…BLOG-MAS: What’s Your ‘Why?’ The Purpose Statement,BLOG-MAS: Reasons To Go To Graduate School, BLOG-MAS TUESDAY: Let’s talk about… strengths and weaknesses, BLOG-MAS: How to Positively Survive Stress During the Holidays

As of May 7, 2022, I am a master of publishing and writing from Emerson College. I miss it already, but at the same time, I am ready for the next chapter of my life. The whole world is wide open and I love it. But I’m not going to lie when I say I had a prolonged moment of imposter syndrome for the last week. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything I’ve ever gotten to this point in my life. But why would that statement be true? I felt like Elle Woods when she first started law school at Harvard. The truth is, no one EVER told me I was “not smart enough for my masters degree.” Even I know that’s total B.S. even if someone were to actually say that to me.

Immediately after I got home, ate McDonald’s (yes, I can still eat that, as a diabetic), I started looking at PhD programs… as if I have any idea of what I want to be a “doctor” or “philosopher” in. Right now, as I write this, I enjoy being a philosopher of life and writing. I remember the words of the keynote speaker, Kim McLarin, “you are now masters and teachers of your field.” As I was nearly passing out of starvation central, that didn’t stop me from wondering, “my therapist was right; it was hard to complete this masters degree, but I did it.”

Then later on Sunday night, I got to thinking about all the trials and tribulations I went through in the last year alone. I had an unfortunate COVID breakthrough in October, moved to the city (which was hell on its own), and the following semester? You guessed it. Diabetes. All of these events made me feel like I didn’t deserve my masters. My therapist asked me today, “what sacrifices did you make for your masters?” And I said, “I don’t feel like I made any.” The only other thing I could say was “time.”

It’s true, I didn’t feel like I made any actual sacrifices. All I know is that I felt like I didn’t deserve a moment like I did when I crossed the stage to have my hood put on, close my eyes, and bask in the spotlight when my name was called. I felt like I deserved none of it, which is upsetting to me. I can’t help but wonder, is it a lack of validation? Or is it what I think people think of me? Do people think that getting my masters was a waste? Or do I think it was a waste? Personally, I think not. I’m almost 26 years old. I was 23 when I committed to Emerson. I was 24 when I started with unfortunate technical difficulties. And now, it’s just a matter of “what are you doing, April?”

Imposter Syndrome can stem from many forms, such as lack of empathy from people, anxiety, and trauma. A million people can have faith in you, but you have to have faith in yourself. You deserve a day in the sun. Life is not going to be “sunshine and rainbows” all the time, but life doesn’t have to suck. After all, your thoughts create your reality.

And by all means, if someone thinks you “can’t do it,” do it twice, maybe even a third, and take pictures.